god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
