When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
