can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
