ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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