he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
