Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
