you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
