Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
