I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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