He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
