dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
