I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
