I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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