Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
