a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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