i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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