My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize