her vagina looked like bernie madoff
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
