I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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