I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
