think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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