Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
