Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
