Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
