I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
