Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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