There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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