So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
