If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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