Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
