I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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