my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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