she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize