My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
