wakey wakey hands off snakey
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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