She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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