our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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