i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We got so high we made milksteak
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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