Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
