New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
