I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
