its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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