I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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