sarcasm needs its own font
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
