i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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