i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
