For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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