I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
