Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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