I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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