My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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