dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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