the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
