Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
