I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
