So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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