I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
