Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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