chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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