I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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