she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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