You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
We need to rekindle our bromance
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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