I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
